You Can't Go Home Again

Next installment of the Blog-A-Week Series

First, just let me say how proud I am of myself for keeping up this Blog-A-Week thing for as long as I have. Most weeks, it's the only "fun" writing I do. I'm hoping that changes in the new year; I hope I do more non-work-related writing, that is.

They say you can't go home again, but of course you can. Just buy a ticket or get in the car and drive, and boom, you're there. I guess what they mean is, when you get there, you realize it isn't home anymore. And maybe that it hasn't been home in quite some time. Some people don't like this and hang on to the old stuff as tight as can be. Some people take it in stride, just accepting whatever they find when they get where they're going.

I haven't lived in my parents' house in more than 16 years. In some ways, it will always be my home because it is the home of my childhood, but it hasn't been my residence years. Sure, there are still remnants of my life here: a drawerful of high school certificates and awards, a bulletin board of scraps of paper that seemed important once, pictures on the fridge, but the things I find most pleasing about this home, are the new things. The things that reflect how much things have changed: a copy of the email I sent telling my folks what my fall schedule was (hanging on the fridge), the picture of me that sits on the piano of me at the Ph.D. hooding ceremony, the little chairs and toys that belong to my niece. These are the things that make me happy. The stuff from my old life? That time is over and gone and there's no use in even looking at that old stuff anymore. I should use this trip home to clean some of that stuff out. Maybe I will, if I'm feeling industrious.

You can't go home again, in the same way you can't step in the same river twice. But who wants to step in the same river twice anyway? Isn't it more fun to see what's new instead of dwelling on what's old? Isn't it better to have a life where things grow and change and evolve than one where everything stays the same? Sure, it's disappointing to see all the old places where I used to eat replaced by other stores. But that's life.

All the really important things like family and support and love don't stay exactly the same, but they do stay. And I think that's the important thing.

~Hero

DecaAwesome List for home

Here is a top ten list inspired by my visit home for Christmas:

Top Ten Foods of Home

1. Fusili and mom's sauce. I ate this upon arriving at my parents' house late Tuesday night. The pasta was yummy and the sauce was to die for. I miss mom's sauce all year round, and mostly eat sauce out of a jar, so it was a real treat.

2. Chinese take-out. It's what we're eating tonight. I can get good Chinese food in L.A. now (when I first moved there, I was clueless as to where to find the good stuff), but there's nothing like eating the good NY stuff out of the white take-out boxes at the dining room table.

3. Stuffed mushrooms. This is a holiday tradition, made for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I made them for the first time for Thanksgiving this year, and it was like stealing fire from the gods. Absolutely delicious.

4. Eggplant parmagiana. This is my grandma's specialty. Sometimes EP can get really heavy and greasy because you need to fry it up, but my grandma's recipe requires a draining step that makes the eggplant light and fluffy. It's practically like cake.

5. Fresh mozzarella from Iavarone's. Very soft and flavorful. Nothing like a slice of fresh mozz on a piece of semolina bread (maybe with a tomato). I could eat a ton of this.

6. Pizza from Umberto's. This is going to be tomorrow's dinner. No visit home is complete without take-out from our favorite pizza place. The sauce is magnificent. Mom likes extra sauce, but I'm good with the regular kind. They make a helluva Sicilian pie as well. Yum.

7. Elio's frozen pizza. This is best as a midnight snack food. They don't sell this kind of frozen pizza in L.A. It's the kind of pizza they used to serve at birthday parties at the roller rink. It's not real high quality, but it's awesome nonetheless. Best when overcooked a bit and kind of burnt on top.

8. Entenman's holiday cupcakes. Also something you can't get in L.A. Yes, we have a little bit of Entenman's, but for some reason, they don't sell the cupcakes. These monstrosities of sugar are made with yellow cake, a layer of chocolate on the top and a swirl of icing to match the season. Valentine's ones have cinnamon jelly beans, Christmas ones have little sugar trees, St. Patrick's Day ones have little sugar shamrocks.

9. Ham wrapped around a breadstick. Now that I'm eating pork again, I can enjoy this staple of holiday parties. The good cold cuts from M&M's (in Floral Park) don't hurt, either. The recipe? Take a slice of ham and wrap it around a breadstick. Eat. Savor.

10. Log Cookies. Mom makes these buttery-riffic cookies from a recipe she got from my Aunt Lee. They've got butter, crushed walnuts, and powdered sugar. They are fabulous, and I think of my beloved Aunt and godmother every time I eat one. Which is a lot at Christmas.

Christmas-y Things

I'm combining this week's regular entry with this week's DecaAwesome List. I'm not doing it because I'm so busy. No, no! For once, I am sitting on my butt with not too many things on my "to-do" list. I gave my last final today and I've done most of my grading. I'll be handing everything in on Monday and then I'll be free to enjoy my week at home. So, I'm actually being a bit lazy for once. Since I got back home after school, I've been sitting around mostly. Watching TV and reading. Bliss and Heaven. I was asked to go out with some friends tonight, but I honestly just want to veg out on the couch. So I will.

Here goes. This week's list with possibly more explanation than usual.

1. Panera. An AMAZING bakery that T suggested I try. Not only did I eat an unbelievable bagel there (although NYC's Ess-a-Bagel still holds the title), I bought a loaf of semolina bread. I know that doesn't sound like something crazygood, but it's hard as hell to find a loaf of semolina in this town. After eating there, I went home, opened a fresh mozarella, heated up some sauce, and it was like Sunday morning at Nanny's. Score.

2. iTunes. I am putting together a recital for March, and I now have recordings of the stuff I'm considering. Easy as pie. I just searched for it, downloaded it, and soon it will be sync-ed onto my iPod. All from the couch. No wonder our country is so fat. But the convenience! The convenience!

3. Love, Actually. This was a favorite of me and my ex, and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to watch it again. Bad memories, good memories, who the hell can tell which are worse? But I'm pleased to say that it's on right now (cut to ribbons on TBS, unfortunately), and I'm enjoying it a lot. Hey, it's a funny movie. And touching and sweet and adorable. And you know what? Even though I'm sort of anti-relationship right now, it's still freaking charming.

4. Yes Man. Saw it last night and I liked it very much. Once again, Jim Carrey's character needs the love of a slightly nutty free spirit to help him find life again, just as in one of my absolute favorite movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Similar idea in another fave (although this one without Jim C.): Stranger Than Fiction. I love these movies for many reasons, but I like 'em a lot because I am a slightly nutty free spirit. I just went back and read over this and "slightly nutty" spoonerized into "nightly slutty" in my tired brain. Yeah.

5. Colin Firth. He's funny and charming and English. And I love his story line in Love, Actually. 

6. Rock Band. I know I put this on weeks ago, but I just had a Christmas party and it is the best party activity evers. Which brings me to #7...

7. When you have a party that you think is going to be lame, but which turns out to be really, really fun. It happened Thursday. I invited a heap of people and everyone kept canceling, and  it felt like it was going to be the world's worst party. Or that I would be sitting in a party dress (like I wear those) on my couch with just my roommate to hang out with, and no guests coming over. But that is not what happened. It's not like hundreds of people came over or anything, but that's probably better because my place is not huge, but just the right amount of folks came over to make it awesome.

8. Pomegranate candles from Illuminations. Illuminations is a candle store (are they on the east coast?) and around the holidays, they sell this amazing-smelling candle called pomegranate. It is seriously the best-smelling candle, maybe ever.

9. Cold orange slices. I love orange juice so much, and getting the juice right from the orange slice is amazing. Especially when the orange is ice cold. It's better than a popsicle. Better than candy.

10. The discovery of a new Chinese restaurant. On Thursday, it was absolutely imperative that C and I stop for noodles. The closest place was one I had gone by a million times, but never ate in. And you know what? The lo mein was transcendent. I'm going to go there more often. It's pretty near school and it's a decent and reasonably-priced place. Did I mention the lo mein?

DecaAwesome List Number Five

For the week ending 12/13/08.

1. Sunshine. This movie is incredible. It's gorgeous. The score is beautiful. And it's suspenseful and mind-blowing, yet still somehow so believable. WOW.

2. End-of-semester parties in lieu of classes. You get to eat cupcakes and cupcakes are great. Also, you don't have to teach.

3. Getting the stressful thing overwith. I'm so glad the faculty recital is over. It was stressing me out.

4. Candy Cane Jo-Jos. Trader Joe's Christmas cookies. They're like doublestuff oreos with ground up candy canes in 'em. Transcendent.

5. Ricky Gervais. I saw his comedy special the other day, and I was freaking crying, I was laughing so hard. The whole thing about Humpty Dumpty? I just lost it.

6. Finishing up Christmas cards. I'm almost done. Four left!

7. Poinsettias. I can actually have one this year.

8. Straws. They make any drink--even water--more festive.

9. Magazines. I bought two this week and got one in the mail. When I read them, it feels like I'm on vacation already.

10. The marimba. Saw a great piece for solo marimba last night at LACO. What an amazing instrument.

Moments Only You Remember

Next Installment of the Blog-A-Week Series

Seeing as how it's Christmas time and all, we tend to focus on those memorable moments. If you have kids, you're probably even more concerned about creating memorable moments for the little ones: going to visit Santa, watching a tree lighting ceremony, making sure you get a photo of every happy surprised expression on Christmas morning. And sure, I remember those things really well from my childhood. I do remember all the moments I'm supposed to remember. I remember the Christmas mornings and the vacations, and I remember the summer movies and the picnics on the beach and the January birthday parties.

But I also remember lots of other things too. Each one of us has memories of stuff that probably no one else remembers, not even the other people involved. Plenty of those memories are about annoying things; events that pissed us off when no one else was around to hear us vent. But I'm focusing on the good memories. The happy ones of those unexpected (or even ridiculously typical) things that stick with us forever. Like the time Mom took me out for breakfast after an appointment at the orthodontist, rather than taking me right back to school. Or the time Dad, M, and I played stickball in the front of the house and when we got back inside Mom had made us pudding? Or what about that horrible winter day on the subway when I couldn't take the cold a minute longer and suddenly I heard the sweet sound of steel drums from the subway platform? Or the time I laughed so hard at Gum Ying, I nearly threw up. Or the time I made Holly laugh so hard that she indeed threw up in out kitchen sink. (She probably remembers that one.)

Like Green Day so eloquently said, we "take the photographs and still frames in [our] mind." And those pictures are of the big events: birthdays, weddings, Christmases, family reunions. But the photo album in my mind also has plenty of every day stuff that really and truly makes up life.  You only get one birthday a year, but you have to get out of bed and live on the other 364 days too. Christmas comes but once a year, but the opportunity to make memories happens every single day. 

So fill up your mental photo album with a snapshot of the unexpected kindness someone showed you on a Tuesday, a picture of that encouraging email your friend sent, a memory of some little miracle that maybe no one else in the world will remember. These moments will become even more treasured than the birthday party that every one remembers, because they're just yours. And you can keep them forever.

~Hero

DecaAwesome List Number Four

The DecaAwesome List for the week ending December 6th.

1. Self-help books. God, I am so awful, but I am finding a couple of them really, truly helpful.

2. Creativity. Been thinking a lot about my story, and I have some interesting ideas. Also, my roommate is a composer and it's rad to hear him write music.

3. McIntosh Apples. Yummy and sweet. Best. Apples. Ever.

4. Cinnamon toast. Bread, butter, sugar, and cinnamon. Tell me a way you can combine those ingredients that's not effing delicious.

5. Gettin' shit done. I worked like a dog most of Thanksgiving weekend, but holy crap, did I produce.

6. Pure Citrus. It's a room spray, but it smells like fresh oranges. It's brilliant.

7. On Demand. Ordered and saw The Incredible Hulk tonight without leaving the couch.

8. Ruthless efficiency. I achieve it sometimes, and I'm pretty close to it these last two weeks.

9. Honesty. I'm trying out a new thing: being honest about how I feel about things. Today was kinda shitty, so when people asked me how I was (I mean, really asked me, not just howya doin'), I told them: I'm okay, but not great. And lately, when I've felt anti-social, I've just told folks, look, I can't be around people now. It's going to be a real test to see if I can keep this up around my family. I always like to act like everything is fine, so we'll see how honest I can be. It's a good thing, though, so I want to keep doing it.

10. Nuts in the shell. I bought unshelled nuts for the dessert course of my Thanksgiving. Only a few nuts got eaten, so that leaves a bowl and a half of nuts for eatin'. I've discovered that brazil nuts are pretty delicious, and that walnuts aren't just for cookies anymore. Also, the unshelled nuts just scream holiday to me. As does the case of cuties I bought.

Bonus #11. Cuties. Small, cute, and sweet. I am what I eat, neh?*

*"Neh" is an expression from Ender's Game that roughly translates as, "don't you think so?" 

Existential Turkey Crisis

The next installment of the Blog-A-Week Series 

(I took Thanksgiving week off. Hope y'all don't mind.)

Thanksgiving of 2007 was a tough one. I had an existential crisis of sorts. One of those third-life crises jammies. One of those post-twentieth century postmodern navel gazing alone-in-a-crowd sort of thingies. The day itself was fine. I ate good food, got good news (J and K announced they were pregnant), and spent time with good people. But, I started to feel a little detached from my moorings, like I wasn't really a part of what was happening. I was upset about that for quite some time.

This Thanksgiving was different.

Still good food (Best. Turkey. Ever.) and good people, but the circumstances had changed quite a bit. It wasn't so much that I felt more in touch with the people I was with. It was that I felt more in touch with myself. I'm not saying the day didn't have its tough moments. But there were far more good ones than bad ones.

It's going to be a weird holiday being single for the first time in ten years. And, if I may give you some perspective on the issue, this will be only the second Christmas since I was seventeen where I'm a single gal. Now that is an odd thought. It's been seventeen years since I was seventeen, so that's a lot of damn holidays I spent as half of a whole. A lot of New Year's Eves kissing the same few people. A lot of Christmases I spent way too much money on gifts for my significant other. Signing cards from me and someone else. Well, guess what. I already made out about half of my Christmas cards, and they all just say, "Love, Hero." And you know something? That is okay.

Being single screws up the whole "Secret Santa" thing the crew had going for a bunch of years. But that's okay too. Life is change. We'll figure out a new way to exchange gifts. I've upset the apple cart, but I was always the rebel like that. Or so my tattoos would have you believe.

The people who are the most unhappy are the ones who cling to the stuff that has to change. So, while it hasn't been easy, it's been good. Good for me to change and grow and become a stronger person. I'm experiencing growing pains, I think. It's going to be a heck of a holiday season, though, I can tell you that. I'm growing so damn much, I won't be able to fit into my old winter coat anymore. Oh well, out with the old and in with the new. Life, coat, everything.

~Hero