The Pleasure and the Privilege

I have no time for pleasure reading lately. It's a tragedy because I have a stack of awesome books to read. I have a book by Asimov from Dad. Immortality from Kevin. Geek Love from Cael. And like a moron, I just bought Sideways and Little Children from Barnes and Noble dot com. I opened up Little Children just to see if the opening sentence was similar to the opening voiceover of the movie, and suddenly I'm 50 pages into it. Ye gods, it's good. Tom Perrotta is a genius. Sometimes I read books and I can't believe how good the prose is. Hell, I read the fiction of friends in my OWC and their prose freaking blows me away.

When I read books like Little Children  (Rick Moody's The Ice Storm or Nick Hornby's A Long Way Down), I think, I can do that. Know why? Because they make it look so easy. They make it look So. Damn. Easy. Now, I don't know if I can do it, or if I'm fooling myself, or what, but I suppose I'm gonna keep trying until the well of ideas runs dry.

Sometimes I wonder about my day job and how long I will spend being "Doc G" for my students. Maybe I'll be Doc G for the next few years and then I'll transition into writing full time. But who knows? I really do like being Doc G. A lot of my students are ridiculously wonderful people who enrich my life with their personalities, their music, and their own journey of self-discovery. I wonder what I will do if I ever decide to cut off that supply of fresh, new faces every semester just so I can have enough time to sit home alone and try like mad to craft that beautiful prose I admire so much.

But teaching would be really hard to give up. Sometimes, a student will finally understand a theoretical concept that had been giving him trouble, and you can practically see the light go on. Or a student will break through the fear that's been holding her back, and for the first time, she can sing without self-consciousness. And it may not the best singing in the world, but it's the most beautiful sound there is. That freedom.

Just being there for those moments, seeing those breakthroughs happen, it's what teaching is all about. 

And to be part of that, in ways big and small--maybe being the first person who told a student that mistakes are okay, or spending hours outside of class trying to figuring out a new way to clarify things--is not just a pleasure, it's a privilege. I mean, damn. It's a freaking honor to do those things, and to get to do those things every day. I'm not saying they happen every day, because they don't, but they happen enough to make it worthwhile, even from a purely selfish point of view.

So, yes, I want to be a writer. And, yes, I already am a writer. But I am also a teacher. I don't really know how to reconcile those things right this minute, but the point is I don't have to. I've lived my life riding the waves of this big fantastic river, paddling at some times and just going with the flow at others, so I'm pretty sure that eventually, I'll find the way I'm supposed to go. For right now, I think I'll let the river carry me for a while, and I'll do my best to enjoy the ride.

And if going with the flow right now means nudging students to find their voice by day, and trying to craft seemingly effortless prose by night, then so be it. So be it.

~Hero