Ch- Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes

If you ask 100 people if they want an exciting life of change vs. a life of routine, most people would say: give me that exciting life! But in reality, some of those same people crave routine and will stick to it slavishly even if they are unhappy and unfulfilled. Some will go so far as to defend it when questioned, and will go to great lengths to ensure that it continues, even if they hate it (they can't admit to themselves that they hate it). And don't think I'm making this point because I'm so far above this behavior; I defended my choices even when I knew they were wrong, and I stayed in an unhealthy routine for years. I suppose I'm something of an authority, but only because I've been there and done that.

When I finished school a couple of years ago, I looked for teaching jobs all over the country. Because of my relationship, I tried to limit my choices to coastal places and cities with film industry connections. I suppose I was ready to move to these places, although I don't know what the reality would have been had I gotten one of these jobs. As it happens, I did get a full time job, a year after I graduated, at a school that was 1.1 mile away from my apartment. Now, I made a compromise and took a job teaching my second area of expertise, not my first choice, and it's still something that bothers me from time to time. But still, here I was with a job, and I didn't have to move, change my cell phone number, buy clothes for a different climate, or say goodbye to my friends.

The friends I graduated with, however, are still looking for jobs all over the country. And it looks very likely that I will be the one staying here, while they are spread to the four winds away from me. V and Z moved to England, and now V has an awesome full-time gig in the midwest. R just had two interviews in the last two weeks, one in Ohio, one in Texas. Now she's got a phone interview in Anthens, GA. RM is looking everywhere for work, and KC has some possibilities that would take him at least three hours away from L.A.

So, change comes, whether you like it or not. I may have gotten a job that meant I didn't have to do another cross-country move, but my old friends seem to be leaving, one by one. Even though it's sad to lose their physical presence in my life, I understand that true friendship is stronger than distance (and having Facebook doesn't hurt). Not to mention that I am so incredibly proud of my friends who are getting jobs in this crazy economy, and I'm grateful that they are able to teach and share their gifts with students. It's bittersweet, I guess.

I have dreams of my own, of course. Dreams of leaving L.A. for a while and traveling, making my living by writing. Making change a way of life. I don't know when and if that will happen. I don't know if I will end up staying in my beautiful job long-term, or if I will ever again live close to my best friends. Uncertainty doesn't bother me that much. I'm a very roll-with-the-punches kind of person. I'm a river that keeps flowing, around obstacles, through passageways, and over ground, both rocky and smooth.

What I am certain of is this: I do know that whatever circumstances I find myself in, they will definitely change, either by the increasing chaos of time's arrow, or by my own hand. Luckily, I'm good friends with chaos, and I'm just crazy enough to shake things up when they get boring.

~Hero

Existential Turkey Crisis

The next installment of the Blog-A-Week Series 

(I took Thanksgiving week off. Hope y'all don't mind.)

Thanksgiving of 2007 was a tough one. I had an existential crisis of sorts. One of those third-life crises jammies. One of those post-twentieth century postmodern navel gazing alone-in-a-crowd sort of thingies. The day itself was fine. I ate good food, got good news (J and K announced they were pregnant), and spent time with good people. But, I started to feel a little detached from my moorings, like I wasn't really a part of what was happening. I was upset about that for quite some time.

This Thanksgiving was different.

Still good food (Best. Turkey. Ever.) and good people, but the circumstances had changed quite a bit. It wasn't so much that I felt more in touch with the people I was with. It was that I felt more in touch with myself. I'm not saying the day didn't have its tough moments. But there were far more good ones than bad ones.

It's going to be a weird holiday being single for the first time in ten years. And, if I may give you some perspective on the issue, this will be only the second Christmas since I was seventeen where I'm a single gal. Now that is an odd thought. It's been seventeen years since I was seventeen, so that's a lot of damn holidays I spent as half of a whole. A lot of New Year's Eves kissing the same few people. A lot of Christmases I spent way too much money on gifts for my significant other. Signing cards from me and someone else. Well, guess what. I already made out about half of my Christmas cards, and they all just say, "Love, Hero." And you know something? That is okay.

Being single screws up the whole "Secret Santa" thing the crew had going for a bunch of years. But that's okay too. Life is change. We'll figure out a new way to exchange gifts. I've upset the apple cart, but I was always the rebel like that. Or so my tattoos would have you believe.

The people who are the most unhappy are the ones who cling to the stuff that has to change. So, while it hasn't been easy, it's been good. Good for me to change and grow and become a stronger person. I'm experiencing growing pains, I think. It's going to be a heck of a holiday season, though, I can tell you that. I'm growing so damn much, I won't be able to fit into my old winter coat anymore. Oh well, out with the old and in with the new. Life, coat, everything.

~Hero