Bitter with the Sweet

I've recently gotten some comments from people who think I've developed some bitterness in the last eight or so months. To those people I have two things to say: 1) "No I haven't!" and 2) "Well, if I have, I've earned it." My first reaction is to be righteously indignant, and to defend myself. No, I want to say, I'm just the same as I always was. My second reaction is different. Once I've had a chance to think about it, I realize that I have changed a bit, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn't be growing if I didn't change. And I suppose part of that change has resulted in me being a little more circumspect, a little more wary, and probably a little more bitter than I once was.

Here's the truth of it. There are things I just don't believe in anymore, and I don't know when or if I'll believe in them again. There are mistakes I've made that I'm not keen on making again, and if it takes a little bitterness to ensure that I don't fall into the same traps, then it's worth it. Perhaps I have lost some of the boundless patience people seem to expect from me. Perhaps I've lost a little bit of the spring in my step. I still think I'm one of the luckiest people in the world. I still believe in the essential goodness of humanity. I still think I've been blessed with more love in my short life than most people get in eighty good years. The sweet still outweighs the bitter, and I suspect that it always will.

So what if I have scars? I'd rather live fully and leave with scars and stories and laugh lines and, oh I don't know, maybe even a slight limp, than leave completely undamaged and bored as hell (see quote below). The best stories are the ones where everything goes wrong. I don't have a problem with making mistakes, or even having bad experiences. But I--and everyone else--must accept that they are going to change me, and they should, so long as they make me smarter and stronger and better.

Maybe I am more bitter than I was before, but if bitterness is a color (let's say a nice, rich burgundy), then a drop of it on my canvas won't obliterate my picture. No. That small amount is adding contrast and interest and depth. My painting is gaining something that comes with age (and in the case of art history, with Renaissance or rebirth): perspective.

~Hero

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, [beer] in one hand, [chocolate cake] in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'"
--author unknown [There are many variants as to what you should be holding in your hands. Fill in the blanks and personalize it!]

"You gotta take the bitter with the sweet."
--Carl, The Simpsons

DecaAwesome List for the week of 3/9

1. Not taking a bath on taxes. I worked a lot of freelance last year so I was really scared about what I was going to owe. Luckily, I found a good accountant, kept good records, and bought some deductible stuff like a new computer, so I ended up paying an absolutely reasonable amount. How many people say that?

2. Patton Oswalt. Watched his Werewolves and Lollipops special last night. Two words, people: gray drapes. I almost had to stop the DVD because I couldn't stop laughing.

3. Girl Scout Cookies. Yo, it's about that time. Time for Thin Mints and Tagalongs, Do Si Dos and Trefoils. Bought four boxes at my accountant's office (the guy was selling for his daughter's troop). Left with money in my pocket and some Tagalongs!!

4. Sight reading. The process by which people can play or sing a song the first time they look at the music. Since starting college a hundred and six years ago, my sight reading skills have improved dramatically, and they keep improving. I don't take this skill for granted, because I have worked hard on it all of my adult life. It sure does come in handy at choir rehearsals and on mass days where I show up an hour late. (Yes, I'm one of those people who forgot to change my clocks.)

5. Birthdays. There are a lot of them coming up. Lots to celebrate. We had cake and pizza for one of the faculty today and there's more where that came from. March is a birthday-riffic month.

6. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I love this actor for a lot of things he's done. Most especially, he is Papa Winchester on Supernatural, but he was also the cutest thing ever in P.S. I Love You, where he played a hot Irish dude (and you get to see his butt!). But anyway, I started watching Weeds on DVD last night and he plays a dead guy in that show too! That makes three shows where JDM plays a dead guy in flashbacks, memories, or dreams: Grey's Anatomy (he started out alive, but then died), Supernatural (he started out missing, but alive, and then later died), and Weeds (the show is about his widow). Yay for JDM who just rocks the posthumous guest-starring gig! Also, he's hotter than the sun. Have I mentioned that? Also, I haven't seen Watchmen yet, but I think the death of his character starts the events of the film in motion. So, yeah, JDM and death, perfect together.

7. Stations of the Cross. Last night, there was a service at my church where we went through and meditated on each station of the cross (the steps Jesus took to his crucifixion). As far as I'm concerned, the Stations of the Cross service is the most moving service of the entire church year. I always feel really affected by it, and last night was no exception.

8. Making a difference. It's funny, sometimes the worst thing about your day can turn around and be the best thing a day later. I had some drama with someone earlier in the week, but I think we have both grown considerably because of it. I was so upset about it a couple of days ago, but I'm so glad that it happened now. I think we're both better off.

9. Time Magazine. I got this magazine for years when I was a student (big discount off the regular price), and I used to read it all the time. Well, I bought it in the supermarket last night and I'm enjoying it. It's a bit more...eh, how do I put this...it's a bit less than what it used to be, but I bet it appeals to more people now. Still, I'm enjoying it. Now that I don't have to worry about someone else's reaction to the news, I'm actually having fun learning about what's going on in the world.

10. John Adams. The composer. I got tickets to hear him speak at the Public Library in May. I am so excited. He's a great speaker and an interesting guy. I think there's going to be a book signing afterwards, so I will be sure to crack open his autobiography by then.

The Way We Look to a Song

In the song "Yellow," there's a lyric that goes, "I came along/ I wrote a song for you, and all the things you do." Well, I have always wanted someone to write a song for me (or, you know, the things I do). I mean, I'm an artist myself so I create stuff, but the idea of being a muse in some way to another artist is pretty cool. I've known many musicians in my life, a decent handful of them are songwriters or composers, and I thought for sure someone would have penned a tune for me by now. But no. Zip. Zero. Nada. I sing in a folk duo and the guy who writes all the songs is constantly writing songs about, like, everyone, but I haven't gotten the treatment yet. Years ago, a friend told me he wrote me a song for my birthday, but I never got to hear it so I don't think that counts.

But two weeks ago, it finally happened.

My roommate, T is a composer, and he's been writing a lot recently. He wrote this amazing rock song that I absolutely adored. There was something about it that touched me, from the first time I heard it. It just seemed to capture some of the things I had been feeling about my life, even without words. Well, one night, he was struggling to think of lyrics, and I was trying to help by giving suggestions (i.e. the futility of life; people who are jerks). Then I went to bed. A couple of hours later--I was asleep, mind you--there was a knock on my door. T wanted me to come out and hear what he had ended up writing, so I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and followed him.

The song--the one that I had loved as I heard it taking shape--now had lyrics. And those lyrics were about me and my life. T wrote it almost like I was singing it, from my point of view. It's a snarky, angry song, and all I can say is that it's freaking brilliant. (I'm not going to reveal the words are here, because I don't want to scoop T. You'll have to wait for the album.) 

After he sang it for me, I just turned to him and said, "I'm still asleep, right? Because this is a dream come true!" I didn't even mind losing sleep over it because when I woke up the next morning, I realized that I could cross something off my life list. The experiences of my life acted as inspiration for a fellow artist. My official "muse" card is coming in the mail soon! W00t!

Now, I realize it's not the same as having someone start out from scratch with the sole goal of writing a song for me, but it's close enough and I will take it. This might be the only song that's ever written for me...and, you know, the things I do, so I'm going to make the most of it.

~Hero

DecaAwesome List for weeks 2/22-3/2

I've been meaning to do this list for days, but it was an extremely busy weekend and I just didn't have the time. So here we go! Also, I should note that there will be no food on this list just because my Mom thinks I'm getting too much sugar. So, even though I'm eating something delicious right now, I won't tell you what it is.

1. Sideways. The movie, not the direction. I just saw a paper at a film music conference about this movie and it reminded me of how much I enjoyed seeing it. I used to own Sideways on DVD, but if I'm not mistaken, I lost it in the "divorce." But here's the good news: I bought it as a Christmas present for a colleague, but he had just purchased it himself, so I still have a DVD here at work, and it's still half-wrapped in Christmas paper. Early Christmas for me!

2. Spring Break. It's not here yet, but I'm really looking forward to it. I might even have a visitor!

3. Old Sport. This nickname refers to a person I knew in high school and recently reconnected with. I don't remember who started calling him "Old Sport," but I do know two things: 1) the nickname stuck right away, and 2) the name comes from the Great Gatsby. I haven't seen O.S. in about 17 years, but since we've been Facebooking and texting, it's like no time has passed. He's a good man who has his head on straight. It's actually quite refreshing to talk to someone like that. Also, he's cute!

4. Lilies of the Valley. My favorite flower, and the flower of my birth month. I have been toying with the idea of trying to grow my own since they are hard to come by. Such a pretty flower. They were all over a design photo spread in this month's Family Circle (many thanks to Nanny for my subscription!).

5. Target. Where else can you buy Lucky Charms, Drano, Monopoly, a candle, and a shirt all in one place? I bought a couple of new sweaters there last week for $15, along with cereal and Windex. It's truly one-stop shopping. But you must say "Tarjay" and make sure that "j" sounds French.

6. Hikes without Mics. This is a hiking and music event put on my some friends of mine under an umbrella organization they created called The Natural Stage Project. A bunch of folks hike to a location and once there, they eat, play music, and enjoy nature. My folk group was the featured guest on the bill at yesterday's Hikes without Mics in Griffith Park. The weather was perfect, the "stage" was rocky, but lovely, and the food and company were great. It was a beautiful day all around. I can't wait until the next one!

7. Drinking songs. I went to see my friend play at the Pig N' Whistle on Friday night and he played a drinking song he wrote. It was right at the beginning of the set, so it made the whole crowd drink together and bond. I think the crowd was definitely in the right state of mind after that.

8. Clicking. You know when you meet someone that they're "your kind of person?" At the same show Friday night I met a guy named Tom Riddle (yes, that's his real honest-to-god name) and within about two minutes of sitting at the same table watching our mutual friend play, it was clear that we were definitely on the same page. He made a Salacious Crumb joke and it was on. I don't have romantic interest in him (and even if I did, I'm still in my "year off"), but I think he'd make a really cool friend.

9. Conferences. I went to the first musicology conference I have been to in about three years, I think. Some of it is inevitably boring, but there's always something fun and interesting that just inspires, or makes me want to go learn about new things. It makes me miss musicology too, somewhat, but when I see students at those conferences who are ABD (all but dissertation) who are looking for work, I am grateful to have a job at all.

10. Ear plugs. A must-have for anyone who values their ears. I got a little carrying case for ear plugs when I attended the drag races with my cousin (her husband's company is a sponsor). The case says Castrol on it. I use them when I'm at a concert or even when the PA system somewhere is too loud. They're also a godsend when my roommate is working on his music and I'm trying to sleep. It's not often that noise keeps me awake, but when he's recording the screaming vocals to some rock songs, I pop in my ear plugs and I'm asleep in no time.

Index card box with flowers

When I was in first grade, one of the activities we had in school was a reading group. For this group, we were required to have, among other things, an index card box. Into this box, we placed index cards with new vocabulary words. My Mom bought me a metal box which was decorated with pastel blue flowers. It had a yellow trim on the lid of the box and the leaves of the flowers were a light pastel green. But, Hero, you're probably saying, that was almost thirty years ago! How can you remember that box so well?

Well, because I'm not remembering it. I'm describing it because it's sitting right here on my desk at work. Yes, almost three decades later and three thousand miles away from where I first used it, this index card box is one of a few relics from my childhood. A lot of the stuff I grew up with is gone or still in my parents' house (sorry about that, Mom and Dad). A lot of the games I shared with my sister are with her (she's been in one place longer than I have). And when I moved out of NY nine years ago, I didn't take everything with me. So I have a few special things, including this index card box, and when I look at it, as I'm doing today, it makes me think of how much has changed over the years. I also think of what hasn't changed.

I'm still in school, for one. I'm a teacher and not a student, but learning is still my business every day. I'm taller. I don't wear a uniform every day (although some days I wish I did). I'm not afraid of Sister Anne anymore. I still hope that I am good enough. I still work hard. I still suck at sports. I handle stress better. I am more confident in my abilities. I'm a better friend. I'm more accepting of people. My handwriting is much, much worse. I still can't draw. I still play piano (slightly better now). I still like to color with crayons. I still fall asleep on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. I still don't like milk. I still love music and singing, but my voice is much stronger now. I'm clumsier now because my feet got big. My hair is darker, thanks to Loreal. I'm still something of a morning person. I still like scrambled eggs and cookies, but not at the same time. I don't like soda anymore. Ernie and Animal are still my favorite muppets. I watch less television now, but more movies. I like cantaloupe. I eat the stems of broccoli now (I never would as a kid). I stopped believing in some important things, but I still believe in magic and wishes and possibilities. I still have dreams, and some are even the same.

My vocabulary is bigger (the box helped with that, I guess), my world is bigger, my life is bigger now. But at the center of everything, I'm still the little girl who probably had to carry this little box to first grade in her two tiny hands. There's something beautiful about that.

DecaAwesome List for the week of 2/16

1. Cadbury Creme eggs. Holy smokes, these things are good. They have always been a favorite for me. Some people think they're too sweet or some other nonsense, but they are truly deliciousness.

2. The movie Waiting. I just got it on Netflix at the recommendation of T, and it was seriously the funniest thing. That last scene at the party is priceless. I knew that the "game" was going to be a vital part of the ending. Anyone who knows narrative structure knows that. But here's the thing: I didn't see what happened coming, and I was freaking delighted by that.

3. Hiking. It's not usually the tippy top of my list of fun activities. Y'all know I'd rather sit and read a book or something nerdy like that. But T was dying to get out of the city for a hike, so we drove up to Santa Barbara and did a gorgeous hike that had wicked caves and my very first Geocache.

4. Geocaching. Geocaching is a pastime wherein people leave stuff in locations and then post the stuff's location on the interwebs. Other Geocachers use their GPS devices to go find the "treasure." You write something on the requisite notebook inside, leave something (I left a hackey-sack) and maybe take something (I took a "Think Green" button). Then when you get home from your adventure, you can go online and talk about what you left or took. It's like fandom, only instead of Harry Potter, you get ammunition boxes full of band-aids and gum and a nearly empty fifth of Vodka. I don't see myself becoming a Geocacher, but it was fun to find an unexpected treasure in a cave.

5. Half.com. You can really find stuff for half price or less on this thing. To paraphrase the jingle, I'm never never never paying full price again. Oh wait, that's Marshall's. Still.

6. Alanna Ubach. I first encountered her as Beakman's assistant on Beakman's World (a funny science-type show in the Mr. Wizard vein...but much cooler). She's beautiful, but she always plays these hilarious character roles. She was Marsha Brady's lesbian admirer in the Brady Bunch Movie. She was one of Elle Woods' sorority sisters in Legally Blonde. She was the Latino lady who ushered Ben Stiller into manhood in a flashback sequence in Meet the Fockers. Tonight, she was hilarious in Waiting. I just found out she doesn't have a Wikipedia page. Someone has to do something about this. Maybe I need to step in. You are under-appreciated by most people, Alanna, but not by me. Not by me. 

7. Mrs. Butterworth's syrup. I grew up with Aunt Jemima, and she was great, but Mrs. Butterworth's syrup is thicker and just absolutely yummy. T introduced me to Mrs. B months ago, and that meant saying goodbye to Aunt J., but I did, and I've never looked back.

8. The Harlem Globetrotters. I took Cael to see HGs on Sunday. We got some $16 seats (which were remarkably excellent), bought a program and some cotton candy and we were set. The HGs put on a funny show. Cael and I even got photographed for the HG fansite. 

9. Avocados. They're already delicious, but then they make Guacamole out of it. I never ate these before, but I eat 'em now and they rock.

10. Magazines. I bought a couple this week as a guilty pleasure. I just finished two big jobs for two orchestras, so I thought I deserved a treat. The magazine I'm enjoying most? A little publication called Storage. Yes, it's a magazine put out by Better Homes and Gardens dedicated to closet systems, rubbermaid containers, cubbies, nooks, and baskets. Apparently when I can't handle informative non-fiction or complex narrative, I can handle pretty pictures featuring cubbies and nooks.

DecaAwesome List for the week of 2/9

1. Doughnuts. I'm not a huge fan of doughnuts. In fact, when there's a box with free doughnuts sitting in the office at work, I'd say 90% of the time, I just walk right on by. But I've been watching a lot of Dexter, and they are always eating doughnuts on that show. So I had a craving. I fulfilled the craving with a strawberry-frosted sprinkle-licious doughnut from 7-11. It was great. I suspect that I'd get doughnut cravings more often were there Dunkin' Doughnuts in my local area. There aren't, so I weigh less. Which I suppose is a good thing. Because the DD Coffee Roll? Yeah, hard to say no to.

2. Morgan Freeman. Earlier this week, I saw a little indie film with him called 10 Items or Less. He played a character that was basically himself, and he was brilliant and funny and self-deprecating. His co-star, Paz Vega, was also great. It turned out to be a very touching film. That guy can do anything. From being Easy Reader to giving voice to the Penguins to acting the hell out of any part he's given, he's a national treasure.

3. A clean room. I was so thrilled to have finished, like, 90% of my room cleaning before the first day of school. There's nothing like starting over with a clean slate. I'm really happy with the way things worked out with moving stuff around and throwing stuff away.

4. iTunes. I love having my music collection on iTunes. I make playlists all the time. I can burn 'em to disc and listen to them in the car. I can share them with people. This week, I used iTunes to burn recital songs for my accompanist. Now he knows all the tempos I want.

5. Reading in the bathtub. New favorite thing. I never got it when people did this on Tv and in the movies, but now I see how relaxing it can be. And if the book gets wet, so what. The crinkley paper will just remind me of feeling really relaxed and enjoying my favorite pastime of reading.

6. Nick Hornby's Slam. I didn't get this novel when it first came out because I was waiting for the paperback, but Dan lent it to me over winter break and I just finished it. First of all, I love NH. I think he's amazing. The kind of writer I would like to be. Second, Slam was his stab at a young adult novel, and I think he did brilliantly with it. I enjoyed it a lot.

7. Home hair coloring. My hair is black now and it cost me $9.00. I did it all by myself, although my roommate helped me get all the spots I missed. My hair looks awesome, if I do say so myself.

8. Waking up and not feeling tired even though you really should be. My friend Tina stayed over Wednesday night, and she didn't get in until late, but I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to do something at school. I didn't get much rest, but when the alarm went off in the morning, I was ok. Nothing is worse than dragging yourself out of bed when you can barely move, so I was pleased that I just got up, no problem.

9. Pencils that use .7 lead. I know this is geeky as hell, but I have a bunch of pencils that use .5 lead and they just require more effort. The .7 lead is thicker and makes broader strokes, but you still have the accuracy of a mechanical pencil.

10. The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke was amazing in this heart-breaking film. He was so completely the character, it's like it was a documentary rather than a narrative film. I'm just like...guh...it was good. Good on you, Mickey.

Bonus: Entenmann's Valentine's Day Cupcakes. I just got a box from my folks for V-Day (and a beautiful card came with it), and those cupcakes are so fresh and sweet and delicious. I'm going to eat one right now. Thanks, Mom and Dad!