Index card box with flowers

When I was in first grade, one of the activities we had in school was a reading group. For this group, we were required to have, among other things, an index card box. Into this box, we placed index cards with new vocabulary words. My Mom bought me a metal box which was decorated with pastel blue flowers. It had a yellow trim on the lid of the box and the leaves of the flowers were a light pastel green. But, Hero, you're probably saying, that was almost thirty years ago! How can you remember that box so well?

Well, because I'm not remembering it. I'm describing it because it's sitting right here on my desk at work. Yes, almost three decades later and three thousand miles away from where I first used it, this index card box is one of a few relics from my childhood. A lot of the stuff I grew up with is gone or still in my parents' house (sorry about that, Mom and Dad). A lot of the games I shared with my sister are with her (she's been in one place longer than I have). And when I moved out of NY nine years ago, I didn't take everything with me. So I have a few special things, including this index card box, and when I look at it, as I'm doing today, it makes me think of how much has changed over the years. I also think of what hasn't changed.

I'm still in school, for one. I'm a teacher and not a student, but learning is still my business every day. I'm taller. I don't wear a uniform every day (although some days I wish I did). I'm not afraid of Sister Anne anymore. I still hope that I am good enough. I still work hard. I still suck at sports. I handle stress better. I am more confident in my abilities. I'm a better friend. I'm more accepting of people. My handwriting is much, much worse. I still can't draw. I still play piano (slightly better now). I still like to color with crayons. I still fall asleep on the couch wrapped up in a blanket. I still don't like milk. I still love music and singing, but my voice is much stronger now. I'm clumsier now because my feet got big. My hair is darker, thanks to Loreal. I'm still something of a morning person. I still like scrambled eggs and cookies, but not at the same time. I don't like soda anymore. Ernie and Animal are still my favorite muppets. I watch less television now, but more movies. I like cantaloupe. I eat the stems of broccoli now (I never would as a kid). I stopped believing in some important things, but I still believe in magic and wishes and possibilities. I still have dreams, and some are even the same.

My vocabulary is bigger (the box helped with that, I guess), my world is bigger, my life is bigger now. But at the center of everything, I'm still the little girl who probably had to carry this little box to first grade in her two tiny hands. There's something beautiful about that.

DecaAwesome List for the week of 2/16

1. Cadbury Creme eggs. Holy smokes, these things are good. They have always been a favorite for me. Some people think they're too sweet or some other nonsense, but they are truly deliciousness.

2. The movie Waiting. I just got it on Netflix at the recommendation of T, and it was seriously the funniest thing. That last scene at the party is priceless. I knew that the "game" was going to be a vital part of the ending. Anyone who knows narrative structure knows that. But here's the thing: I didn't see what happened coming, and I was freaking delighted by that.

3. Hiking. It's not usually the tippy top of my list of fun activities. Y'all know I'd rather sit and read a book or something nerdy like that. But T was dying to get out of the city for a hike, so we drove up to Santa Barbara and did a gorgeous hike that had wicked caves and my very first Geocache.

4. Geocaching. Geocaching is a pastime wherein people leave stuff in locations and then post the stuff's location on the interwebs. Other Geocachers use their GPS devices to go find the "treasure." You write something on the requisite notebook inside, leave something (I left a hackey-sack) and maybe take something (I took a "Think Green" button). Then when you get home from your adventure, you can go online and talk about what you left or took. It's like fandom, only instead of Harry Potter, you get ammunition boxes full of band-aids and gum and a nearly empty fifth of Vodka. I don't see myself becoming a Geocacher, but it was fun to find an unexpected treasure in a cave.

5. Half.com. You can really find stuff for half price or less on this thing. To paraphrase the jingle, I'm never never never paying full price again. Oh wait, that's Marshall's. Still.

6. Alanna Ubach. I first encountered her as Beakman's assistant on Beakman's World (a funny science-type show in the Mr. Wizard vein...but much cooler). She's beautiful, but she always plays these hilarious character roles. She was Marsha Brady's lesbian admirer in the Brady Bunch Movie. She was one of Elle Woods' sorority sisters in Legally Blonde. She was the Latino lady who ushered Ben Stiller into manhood in a flashback sequence in Meet the Fockers. Tonight, she was hilarious in Waiting. I just found out she doesn't have a Wikipedia page. Someone has to do something about this. Maybe I need to step in. You are under-appreciated by most people, Alanna, but not by me. Not by me. 

7. Mrs. Butterworth's syrup. I grew up with Aunt Jemima, and she was great, but Mrs. Butterworth's syrup is thicker and just absolutely yummy. T introduced me to Mrs. B months ago, and that meant saying goodbye to Aunt J., but I did, and I've never looked back.

8. The Harlem Globetrotters. I took Cael to see HGs on Sunday. We got some $16 seats (which were remarkably excellent), bought a program and some cotton candy and we were set. The HGs put on a funny show. Cael and I even got photographed for the HG fansite. 

9. Avocados. They're already delicious, but then they make Guacamole out of it. I never ate these before, but I eat 'em now and they rock.

10. Magazines. I bought a couple this week as a guilty pleasure. I just finished two big jobs for two orchestras, so I thought I deserved a treat. The magazine I'm enjoying most? A little publication called Storage. Yes, it's a magazine put out by Better Homes and Gardens dedicated to closet systems, rubbermaid containers, cubbies, nooks, and baskets. Apparently when I can't handle informative non-fiction or complex narrative, I can handle pretty pictures featuring cubbies and nooks.

DecaAwesome List for the week of 2/9

1. Doughnuts. I'm not a huge fan of doughnuts. In fact, when there's a box with free doughnuts sitting in the office at work, I'd say 90% of the time, I just walk right on by. But I've been watching a lot of Dexter, and they are always eating doughnuts on that show. So I had a craving. I fulfilled the craving with a strawberry-frosted sprinkle-licious doughnut from 7-11. It was great. I suspect that I'd get doughnut cravings more often were there Dunkin' Doughnuts in my local area. There aren't, so I weigh less. Which I suppose is a good thing. Because the DD Coffee Roll? Yeah, hard to say no to.

2. Morgan Freeman. Earlier this week, I saw a little indie film with him called 10 Items or Less. He played a character that was basically himself, and he was brilliant and funny and self-deprecating. His co-star, Paz Vega, was also great. It turned out to be a very touching film. That guy can do anything. From being Easy Reader to giving voice to the Penguins to acting the hell out of any part he's given, he's a national treasure.

3. A clean room. I was so thrilled to have finished, like, 90% of my room cleaning before the first day of school. There's nothing like starting over with a clean slate. I'm really happy with the way things worked out with moving stuff around and throwing stuff away.

4. iTunes. I love having my music collection on iTunes. I make playlists all the time. I can burn 'em to disc and listen to them in the car. I can share them with people. This week, I used iTunes to burn recital songs for my accompanist. Now he knows all the tempos I want.

5. Reading in the bathtub. New favorite thing. I never got it when people did this on Tv and in the movies, but now I see how relaxing it can be. And if the book gets wet, so what. The crinkley paper will just remind me of feeling really relaxed and enjoying my favorite pastime of reading.

6. Nick Hornby's Slam. I didn't get this novel when it first came out because I was waiting for the paperback, but Dan lent it to me over winter break and I just finished it. First of all, I love NH. I think he's amazing. The kind of writer I would like to be. Second, Slam was his stab at a young adult novel, and I think he did brilliantly with it. I enjoyed it a lot.

7. Home hair coloring. My hair is black now and it cost me $9.00. I did it all by myself, although my roommate helped me get all the spots I missed. My hair looks awesome, if I do say so myself.

8. Waking up and not feeling tired even though you really should be. My friend Tina stayed over Wednesday night, and she didn't get in until late, but I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to do something at school. I didn't get much rest, but when the alarm went off in the morning, I was ok. Nothing is worse than dragging yourself out of bed when you can barely move, so I was pleased that I just got up, no problem.

9. Pencils that use .7 lead. I know this is geeky as hell, but I have a bunch of pencils that use .5 lead and they just require more effort. The .7 lead is thicker and makes broader strokes, but you still have the accuracy of a mechanical pencil.

10. The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke was amazing in this heart-breaking film. He was so completely the character, it's like it was a documentary rather than a narrative film. I'm just like...guh...it was good. Good on you, Mickey.

Bonus: Entenmann's Valentine's Day Cupcakes. I just got a box from my folks for V-Day (and a beautiful card came with it), and those cupcakes are so fresh and sweet and delicious. I'm going to eat one right now. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

In the Moment

It's hard to live in the moment. It's hard to stay focused on the thing you're doing, and not have your mind wander to something else. It's especially difficult to live in the moment when you have done something a million times. How many people focus on the laundry while they're doing it? How many people register the wetness of the clothes when they're moving them from washer to dryer? How many people appreciate the soft warmth of the clothes when they come out of the dryer? How many people take the time to fold a shirt and stand back to look at the neat little shirt package they have created?

I have been cantoring at church for a few years now. I'm one of the more relaxed cantors because I have a lot of musical experience, and I can usually handle a curve ball here and there, no problem. In fact, if truth be told, sometimes my mind wanders a little while I'm working, especially when the songs are familiar. I kinda just snap to attention when the intro to the song starts, and when it's all over, I can lapse back into my thoughts. I'm not saying I do this all the time, I'm just saying that it happens now and then. I don't always stay in the moment.

The cantors have a rotation going where each cantor sings Saturday evening mass once every seven weeks or so. Last week was my week. I try to get there about a half hour before mass so I can go over the songs with the organist (he plays only on Saturday nights), but I did not have that luxury last Saturday. I got caught in traffic on the way there and made it to church with about 5 minutes to spare before mass. There were a number of songs I had never seen before, and some musical tidbits I knew I was going to have to figure out on the fly. It was a little nerve-wracking, but the payoff was this: I was "in the moment" the whole time. When I sang each song, I was concentrating on each and every note, every phrase, every word. And more than that, I was aware of how I was leading the congregation. I made more of a connection with them because I was leaning on them for help and encouragement, and they came through brilliantly.

I doubt if anyone noticed anything was different. I doubt if anyone noticed I was working harder than usual, or that I was more focused. I'm sure the end result was similar to the end result the congregation gets every week, from all the cantors. But being "in the moment" isn't about the end result. In fact, it's got absolutely nothing to do with that. It's about the experience of the process--while it's happening. It's being able to stand in line at the supermarket and just stand in line. It's the ability to take an every day event and make it the focal point of your life, even for ten minutes. It's the ability to enrich every experience with your full participation. So I'm making a conscious effort to do that more often, and not just when traffic (or anything else) forces me to.

Living in the moment is also about not dwelling on the past, but that's a lesson for another day...

~Hero

DecaAwesome List for the week of 2/2

Here's a list of then things that rock this week.

1. Wogging. It's my term for walk-jogging. Since I'm still out of shape it's what I do on my morning run. I jog until my heart explodes and then I walk for a while. When I'm out of the near-death zone, I jog again. I do this for thirty minutes just about every morning.

2. Tiger Beer. It's from Singapore and it's delicious. Some friends found a place in L.A. that sells it, and brought some over for the Superbowl. I had heard of Tiger before I went to Singapore because it was a beer that novelist Anthony Burgess (A Clockwork Orange) drank when he lived in Malaysia. One of his first novels is actually called Time for a Tiger. I bought my very first Tiger off of a food cart in Singapore. The beer was as ice cold as the day was steaming hot. I drank it while I walked down the street. You can do that in Singapore. It's brilliant.

3. Puffs Plus tissues. These lotion-y tissues are a godsend when you're sick. My roommate has a cold right now and I'm coming down with it too, so I'm heading to the store tomorrow to replenish my supply.

4. Crystal Light. Now that I'm on this "live-it" (as opposed to "diet," thanks, Jon!) I can't drink as much of my beloved lemonade. So I've been drinking Crystal Light and it's really not that bad. I used to only drink it when hiking, but it's nice as a drink to break up the monotony of water, water, water.

5. Strawberry Nutri-Grain bars. A delicious breakfast on the run. I love strawberries. I even love strawberry-flavored things. Other berry-flavored things, not so much. 

6. the L.L. Bean Boat and Tote. K and C got me one for Christmas (it's got "Gryffindor" stitched onto it and it's house colors!!!) and it is a freaking awesome bag. Been using it as my schoolbag for wintercession. I can tell I'm going to be using this thing forevs. Thanks, guys!

7. Facebook. What can I say? The status bar, the pictures (I get excited when I see that someone's tagged me in a photo!), my Wall. I enjoy it very much. I'm not on it every day, but I love checking in and seeing what folks are doing. I also like coming up with interesting things to put on my status bar. Status bar statements have to be true, but I like them to be interesting as well. 

8. Good Superbowl games. This one was actually an interesting game to watch. Not like other Superbowls that were blowouts or boring. There were challenged calls, stunning reversals of fortune, and a dude running 100 yards for a TD. A dude whose heart almost exploded. You could tell.

9. Clementines. Just bought a new box and I am enjoying them so much. So fresh. So juicy.

10. Caffeine. I don't drink coffee or soda or anything with caffeine, but when I'm really dragging, I take a caffeine pill. It's a pretty rare thing; I do it maybe once a month under normal circumstances. The weird thing is that I don't get the obvious feeling of being more awake. No, I gradually start feeling like everything is going to be just fine. I'm going to get everything done on time and under budget. It makes me want to make more lists and get organized. The caffeine provides a truly pleasant sensation, but I won't overuse it because I don't want it to lose its effectiveness. 

DecaAwesome List

Here are 10 awesome things for the week of 1/26/09

1. My Dad. It was his birthday last week. He is a truly super guy. Good and decent. Kind and generous. He is a hard-working man, and I got my work ethic and sense of mental organization from him. I get crap done because I spent my whole life watching him get crap done. For years, I didn't think I was like him at all--I definitely share more obvious traits with my Mom--but the older I get, the more of him I see in me. Even though I am more of a loose cannon than he is, there is a core of something within me that is just pure Dad. And maybe it's ineffable stuff, but it's some of the best stuff about me.

2. King's Hawaiian Sweet Rolls. Squishy and delicious. See, it's bread, but it's also a little bit sweet. It's awesome.

3. Coincidences. My sister and I--for probably the fifth time--purchased the same greeting card for an occasion. This time, we bought the same card for Dad's birthday. Please keep in mind that we shop in different stores and that we live 3,000 miles apart. Yes, it's happened already. A bunch of times. Isn't that insane? I love it.

4. Combining cereal. For a low-calorie snack that satisfies my sweet tooth, I've been mixing half a bowl of Special K (red berries) with half a bowl of Lucky Charms. It sounds crazy, but I think it's deliciousness.

5. Thesaurus.com. Brought to you by the same people who made Dictionary.com, this website is invaluable when I'm writing blurbs. Writing promotional blurbs for a symphony orchestra's season is impossible without adjectives. Lots of adjectives. Thesaurus.com is the quickest way to find yet another synonym for "masterpiece."

6. My recital. I have just about cemented the program and I am thrilled. It's going to be a great show. Well, I'm going to have fun, at least.

7. The Stand-Up Countdown on Comedy Central. I discovered a couple of really hilarious comics watching this thing. My roommate and I recorded it on the DVR because we didn't want to sit there all day long and watch it. So, we watched it later in the night and when they got down to #1, I was pissed because I didn't know who the guy was, but then he was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing. Instead of fast-forwarding the commercials, we let them play so I'd have time to catch my breath in between bits. The comic's name is Kyle Cease, I think, and he was frickin' high-larious. Seriously, you guys. He's funny.

8. Finally finding a tax guy. My new accountant is a former musician so he knows all about what musicians and artists can claim as deductions. Also, he was the original drummer of the Circle Jerks, so that's pretty cool. I used to wear a Circle Jerks pin on one of my plaid kilts in high school. I thought it complemented that particular plaid rather well. Also, the pin helped keep the skirt from flying open. Also, it had a nun on it so I liked wearing it to Catholic school. I still have this pin; it lives on an army surplus bag I use as a purse sometimes.

9. Poetry. I haven't been much use writing stories or novels recently. It's a little discouraging, but I hope someday I'll be able to do that again. In the meanwhile, I've been writing poetry. Some of it is awful, but I don't really care. It's what I feel I can do right now, so I'm going to do it.

10. Beanie caps. I love these close-fitting wool caps. I have a few of them, but lately, I've just been wearing a plain black one. Keeps my head warm and I look cute. Who could ask for anything more?

Letting Go

We think that holding on is the hardest thing ever. We think that being able to cling to something--without fail--is the biggest challenge the world can set before us. But we're wrong. The hardest thing, the very hardest thing, is letting go.

At twelve bags of garbage and counting, I have been letting go of a lot of things lately. I've thrown away old ticket stubs, notes and gifts from my middle school students (I did keep an awful ceramic bank that's a violin-playing elephant because it's delightfully hideous), printouts of funny internet forwards (I'm pretty sure the internet will hold onto them for me if I want to see them again), and various and sundry other things.

When faced with a choice of throwing something or keeping something, I asked myself, "Do I want to keep this forever?" Because that's really it, isn't it? Do I want to lug this book/greeting card/scrap of paper/business card with me from apartment to apartment for the rest of my life? So: either I throw it away now or I throw it away later, but I can't take it with me. 

I wasn't going out with Ed long when his grandma died, but I was there to help clean things out, and believe me, I was profoundly affected by what I saw.  The woman had drawers full of wallets, closets full of old clothes, a tub full of shoes. And not a Rubbermaid tub from Target. No, I mean a tub--like the claw-footed one you bathe in--and it was full of shoes the woman probably never wore. I kept thinking of her while I was emptying out bins and pulling down stuff from the top of the closet. I would look at something and say, do I want my loved ones to have to figure out what to do with this after I'm dead? I'm not planning on dying any time soon, but I will die someday so I don't think it's such a morbid question to ask.

There are things I want to keep, of course. For example, I have a tub (a small Rubbermaid one from Target) full of Harry Potter memorabilia. Articles, programs from the four HP conventions I attended, licensed merchandise. I'm keeping this because I might have a child someday (or I'll just be everyone's favorite spinster aunt) who will read the books and love them and who will want to know what it was like when J.K. was still writing them. And the kids will be like, "Tell us about the midnight book parties, Auntie Hero!" And I'll be able to show them. 

It's time to get rid of other kinds of stuff too. Old ideas, expectations, unmaterialized possibilities. Do I really want to carry that stuff around with me forever? Of course not. I want to have room in my brain for the new stuff. I certainly won't forget, but I need to let some stuff go. It's just the healthy thing to do.

It's time to throw away old dreams and nurture new ones. It's time to have more room in my closets and shelves, and more room in my life for the things that I want. It's time to start fresh with a clean slate and a clean room. If I hung on to everything, I'd spend all my energy just hanging on. I wouldn't accomplish anything, wouldn't get anywhere. But if I let go, I'll have all the more energy for my growing new life.

Goodbye, twelve bags of old life crap. So long, old ideas. Farewell to all of the things that have weighed me down.

Memories are feather-light, and I feel like flying.

~Hero