Laughing Place

Part V in the Blog-A-Week Series

Five weeks and I'm still sticking to it! Yes!

Today is Thursday and I have no classes to teach on Thursday. Usually, I use my days off (Tuesdays and Thursdays) to do errands and basically run around like mad. But I planned ahead, moved some things around, and made today a free day so I could go to Disneyland. I haven't been since last year when I sang with the choir there. I bought an annual pass on that trip and I never got to use it. Anyhoo, I went with a buddy and I spent the day riding rides, eating kettle corn, and taking a break from the crazy work that has been eating my head.

I haven't been on Splash Mountain in years, but it was a really hot day so we decided to go. I forgot that the theme of the ride is Song of the South. For a time when I was growing up, my Dad used to read my sister and me stories about Brer Fox and Brer Bear and that clever Brer Rabbit. And one of the things Brer Rabbit used to talk about was his "Laughin' Place." Brer Rabbit used to go there to laugh at how he'd outsmarted Brer Fox and Brer Bear. He also went there when things weren't going so well; it was a place to step back, reassess, and find ways to turn disadvantages into advantages. In short, a Laughing Place is a place to look on the bright side, whether reality makes that easy or not. 

I had forgotten all about the laughing place, and I can name you a dozen times in the last few months when I could have used one. There have been some really tough moments where I just wanted to escape to a place where I could get some time to think by myself. So while I was on Splash Mountain, I started to think about where my Laughing Place is. Where can I go to get away from everything and everyone? What place feels so comfortable that my stress level goes down just being there?

I thought long and hard about this, and what I came up with proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a nerd to the core. My Laughing Place is USC's Doheny Library. Like most libraries, it's quiet and cool and full of books. I spent so much time there when I was a student that I can pretty much find my way through it blind. Besides the hours and hours I was in there doing my class assignments, I spent two years researching my dissertation in the Cinema Library, the Music Library, and the regular stacks. God help me, I love it there. To me, it represents knowledge, but that library also represents something even more important: possibility. I can think there. I can plan there. I can gather my thoughts in the serene silence, and strategize. When I leave, I always feel revitalized and full of ideas.

As a bonus, out in front of the library, there's a little rose garden that surrounds a beautiful fountain. On my way in or out of the library, I smell the roses, just to remind myself that I'm not in so much of a rush that I can't enjoy the simple things. I always stop and smell the roses. No matter what.

I guess part of it is also what USC has meant to me. Nine years ago, when I was miserable teaching middle school, and I decided that I wanted to get my Ph.D. and teach college, USC was the place that was going to help me achieve that dream. When I was taking classes there and working my part-time job in the library, it was the place where that dream was coming true. I remember taking moments here and there to appreciate the fact that I was doing actually doing what I said I was going to. To me, it's magic because of that. It is a place where a dream came true, minute by minute, day by day, over five amazing, life-changing years. The day I graduated will always be one of the best, most magical days of my life.

So now, when I need a little magic or when I need to remember that dreams come true if you work hard and take some risks, I go there. I'm judging from the lack of shocked looks that none of you is surprised. My Laughing Place is a library. Hmm. Imagine that.

~Hero

Midterm Progress Report

Part IV in the Blog-A-Week Series

We've just about struck midterm here at school. Saturday will mark the end of week 7 out of 15. I thought that now would be as good a time as any to give myself a little midterm progress report. I've devised some categories and I'm going to evaluate how I'm doing in each.

School: I'm in the groove here. I have a big job ahead of me in the next week, making up the midterm for my Music Appreciation class, but it's completely do-able. My other classes are singing classes and we don't do midterms in those, so it's just like any other week. I've decided that I need to stay more in touch with changes in the educational zeitgeist so I think I might subscribe to the MENC (Music Educators National Council) publication. Also, I'm reading a couple of books to help hone my teaching technique. After all, I never thought I'd be teaching voice so it's high time I got fully on board with the program. This is my job now and will be for a while, so I might as well be the best I can be at it. Assessment: feelin' fine.

Accreditation: This would be going so much better if I had some time to do it. The report has been written (by many hands) in a language that is almost English. I'm constantly yelling at the computer screen nerdy things like, "No! NO! NO! Doesn't ANYONE care about syntax anymore?!?" or "That's NOT a verb! This sentence has no VERB!" or "For the love of GOD, stop misusing APOSTROPHES!!!!!" My roommate can attest that I spend as much time yelling at the computer as I do actually editing. It's slow-going, but it's getting done, and come hell or high water, it has to be done soon. Assessment: needs work (and time).

Program Notes: Can you believe I'm still writing these? Yep. St. Paul Chamber Orchestra still has me writing all the way through February. I have two notes due in the next few days and two corrections due ASAP. I'm getting them done, hopefully today. Assessment: Satisfactory, if slightly annoying.

Writing: I'm keeping up with the Blog-A-Week thing so that's good. However, I've completely neglected my two novels-in-progress, and I don't know if I'm going back to them any time soon. They're just not under my skin anymore. One of them, the adult one, I might abandon completely (for now, at least), just because it deals with a lot of stuff that was going on before the break-up and I don't know that I want to get back into that. I did come up with a really good idea for a funny book while I was on the couch at therapy yesterday. Might be therapeutic too. We'll see. Assessment: making progress, but needs work.

Social: Things are going well here. I think I'm making myself available for fun stuff. The duo I sing back-up for, Bunnies and Kitties, had a show last night and it was a very successful event. A lot of people came and I had a chance to hang out with Cael a bit. Maybe I'll have drinks with CP this afternoon (if I get my program notes done), and I think I'm going to see a movie with my roommate tonight. I have a dinner date with Cat tomorrow night. I saw Steve earlier in the week, and I had a chance to talk to Rebecca. I even got to see Pat briefly on Tuesday. In short, I'm maintaining a healthy social calendar. I do owe some folks emails. Assessment: Pretty good, but I better watch out that I don't overdo it.

Romantic: Let's not even GO there, shall we? Assessment: Ick.

Other: Well sir, I have some other projects that have been simmering on the backburner so long, I wonder if they're still viable. One is the Back to the Future paper. I feel like all I need is one full day to get this done. One full day of nothing but this, and I can get it into shape. If a full day of nothing does not present itself, I will take a mental health day from school and create one. All the other stuff (book proposal and article) will have to wait until after Thanksgiving, I think. Assessment: Entirely do-able.

Overall Assessment: I guess I'm doing all right. It helps to see it all laid out like this, I think. I've always been pretty good at prioritizing and keeping things on track. I find that I'm still catching up from summer work. Also, the events of the end of summer, i.e. the break-up and Singapore, sapped my energy for a period that was perhaps a little too long, but I must accept my humanity and extreme imperfection. Now I'm back and trying to go at it full force. I'm putting my head down and my shoulder to the wheel. Next time I look up, it might just be Christmas.

~Hero

One Errand at a Time

Part III in the Blog A Week series

When you spend a lot of time with someone who is good at something, I think it's tempting to let him or her do that thing whenever it comes up. Me? I am terrible at directions. I have a computer brain for some things--phone numbers, for instance--but remembering where things are or how to get from point A to point B is always going to be a struggle for me. J is a savant when it comes to directions so when we were together, I just let him do that. I didn't pay attention in the car when we drove somewhere, I didn't make note of where we were and where we'd just come from. Even when I got my own car 3 years ago, I still called him up on the phone when I needed to get to a store, or when I was in the midst of being well and truly lost.

But now I can't do that. And I shouldn't. I'm in my thirties, for heaven's sake, and I should be able to find a Trader Joe's by myself. Also, I should probably know where north is, but I think there's a magnet in my brain that thwarts that effort. Since the break-up, I toyed with the idea of getting myself a GPS. I probably still should, but I haven't yet. Nope, right now it's Mapquest, the Thomas Guide, spoken directions, and some roughly drawn maps from Steve.

For the most part, I'm getting where I need to go. I know this is pathetic--me telling you this--since I'm sure anyone reading this is like, 'yeah. duh. this is what happens when you get your own driver's license.' But it's not like that for me. I got my license at 17, but I didn't own a car until 14 years later. I drove to the same five places in New York, and for the last five years before I moved to California, I took the train everywhere. So it's not a skill set I've been using. Until now.

Yesterday, I had to give blood in Pasadena. I managed to find the place all right using the Thomas Guide. Sad as it seems, I did a little victory dance when I found it without getting lost. Small victories are sweet. Then, as I was giving blood, I realized the next errand was returning my non-working copy of Rock Band to Best Buy, and I had no idea where there was a Best Buy. Now, I'm the kind of person who will go completely out of her way to go back to a familiar place rather than figure out a new, riskier way. So I could have gone to the Burbank Best Buy or even the Los Feliz one, but instead, I got on the phone while I was eating my cookies and juice, and I called information. Like a grown-up! I found out that there was a Best Buy mere blocks from where I was sitting.

So I used my maps and I got there. I exchanged the game and went on my merry way. All without getting lost. I felt so proud of myself. Proud enough to write about it here. I didn't call anyone for help (except information, but that totally doesn't count). I didn't have to rely on someone else to get me where I needed to go. I got myself there and it felt pretty darn good. Small victories are indeed sweet. I'm reclaiming my independence one errand at a time.

~Hero

Get Out of Your Own Damn Way

Part II in the Blog A Week Series

I'm just getting this entry in under the wire. Whew! Don't want to blow the whole blog-a-week thing on week 2. That is just not on. So, here we go. I am a moderately successful person in the world, I think. Sure, there are still thousands of things I have yet to do, but I'm doing all right: friends, jobs, hobbies, extracurriculars. Maybe if I continue to work really hard, I'll become a grand success. And if I do, I think I'll write a self-help book. I already have the name picked out: Get Out of Your Own Damn Way. And it'll have a kicky subtitle like: Removing Obstacles to Your Own Success.

Here's the thing: as an educator, I see people getting in their own way all the time. And it's frustrating, especially when you see it happen to people who could really make a difference in the world. Wasted potential is almost as bad as wasted time, but wasted time you can never get back. It breaks my heart that some of my students never got encouragement when they were younger, and they've suffered all of their lives because of it. And now, instead of just doing the things they want to do in life, they have to spend years finding ways over or around the junk that blocks their progress. Sometimes I think I was called to do my job because I was given so much encouragement by my parents. As if they trained me to do the very thing that I'm doing. Not the music part, but the encouragement part. The nurturing patience part. The love part.

Helping folks reach their potential is a topic that's always on my mind, so imagine my surprise when I read about this very thing in an article in The Key Reporter this week (this is Phi Beta Kappa's quarterly publication). The article was taken from a lecture by Richard Leo Enos from Texas Christian University. He uses Michelangelo and Victor Hugo as examples of people who were driven by some unseen force to use their talents to the full. What made these guys go out there and give it their all, while most of us let time pass us by? Some, like Greek educator, Isocrates believed that a smart and successful student has three traits: talent, the willingness to practice, and experience. Talent, well that's a given. Although baseball great Lou Gehrig maintained that he wasn't born with any more talent for baseball than anyone else; it was practice that made the difference for him. Practice, he said, turns failure into success. Experience is what happens when you actually try. There's no substitute for it. Problem is, a lot of people don't even get to that stage. Or they think they're not ready for it so they practice their life away, not realizing that at some point, you need to try whether or not you feel ready.

In his lecture, Enos cites Aristotle who said that in addition to talent, a person has dynamis, or power. It's this power that allows people to take risks and make that leap. Most people don't tap into this power. Or they wait for the signal to come from outside, not realizing that it's already there inside of them. Enos concludes by saying that the three things necessary for success are: hard work, effort, and risk-taking.

To these, I'd add attitude. Attitude turns failure into success (you learned from it, didn't you?). Attitude also turns anxiety into excitement, obstacles into challenges, risks into adventures. I don't know how to get my students to understand that they too can be successful. The best I've figured out so far is telling them what I know and modeling this behavior. When I figure out more concrete methods, I'll write my book.

This could be a scary time for me, newly single, on my own for the first time in forever. But I'm trying to take on the challenges as they come. Driving to places I've never been before (and getting lost), trying to fix things that I've never fixed, trying not to blame myself for every disaster. And it's all about my attitude, I think.

A song from the musical Wicked keeps running through my head. It's "Defying Gravity," and the song starts out, "Something has changed within me/ Something is not the same." Well, that's for sure. A few lines later, it goes on, "Too late for second-guessing/ Too late to go back to sleep./ It's time to trust my instincts/ Close my eyes and leap."

So that's it. That's what I tell my students and what I tell myself. The time for overthinking is over. Push through the moment of doubt. There's something great on the other side, so do it: close your eyes and leap.

~Hero

Blog a week

Last time I posted, it was June. Lots of things have happened since then, and I won't even attempt to give details about most of it. The biggest change is that I'm single. This news has been treated with disbelief all around town, but I assure you it is true. I'm all right, but it's still difficult. Good days and bad days, you know.

Also, I visited Singapore in August. It was a life-changing trip, a spiritual journey of sorts.

School started back up and I've been working like mad at all of my jobs.

In general, it's life, only slightly more complex. The stress of the summer has subsided, replaced with the stress of the fall semester. I'm trying to take it all in stride and use the lessons I've learned.

I've come to many conclusions, but I'm only going to share one right now:

I don't write enough.

I want to be a writer so that means that I have to write. Every day. As much as I can. To this end, I'm challenging myself to blog more often. A Blog A Week is the plan. Starting next week. Well, I guess this is a blog entry, so...I guess it's starting this week.

Yes. More writing. So it is written, so it shall be done...or something.

~Hero

An editor's life for me?

It's June 28 and I am in the midst of the craziest summer of my life. I thought last summer was crazy, and it was, but it was a different kind of insanity. More focused, let's say on one gigantic earth-shattering event. Last June, our L.A. family out here closed ranks around our friends whose ten-month-old was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We all spent plenty o' time in the hospital last summer, hanging out, bringing meals to our friends, trying to help out in any way we could. It's with joy that I say things are going well for that special little boy, and we've put last summer's focused insanity behind us.

This summer is entirely unique. I mentioned in an earlier post being a workaholic, and nothing has changed. It's just that the amount of work I'm required to do is...is...well, it's astonishing. In all my 34 years, I have never worked this much. I have never slept this little. Not even during the final throes of my dissertation. Not even when I was taking my comps. Or my quals, for that matter. Hell, the only reason I'm writing this blog is because I had to be up early to work and I had a quiet moment to do something for myself. 

I won't go into details about what I'm doing because those are facts that bore even me, but I will talk about the consequences of a schedule that involves teaching, the Aspen job, the LACO job, the SPCO job, and the publishing stuff. I'm not actually complaining because, first of all, doing these things has been my choice, and I have no problem living with my decisions. Second of all, I do feel so blessed to have so many opportunities. I realize how lucky I am to have this work, and I certainly haven't forgotten how awful it was to be a temp during the summertime.

I suppose what I'm doing here is enumerating the consequences of my choices. I'm not real big on regrets (they're kindofa waste), so I suppose this is just a way to take stock of the situation.

Casualty #1 - Jeff

My one and only is getting the short end of the stick because I haven't washed a dish since we moved. I've barely unpacked, I leave everything a mess, and I'm busy all the time. We usually go to the movies at least three times a month and we've only seen two movies this summer. It ain't right. Also, I miss him.

Casualty #2 - my friends

The juggling is hard to do. I want to maintain my friendships, stay in touch with people. Maybe even hang out once in a while. It's hard to do when you have so much on your plate. I miss my friends and I know some of them wonder just what the hell is up with me half the time. I do a pretty good job of making myself available, I think. And I try to be there for them if they need me, but I know some folks have fallen through the cracks and it just kills me.

Casualty #3 - my fiction

I haven't written a word of fiction in months. *shakes head* I was supposed to really hit it hard this summer, but that has just not happened. I haven't written. Not a word. And it just hurts.

Casualty #4 - my body

This temple is falling apart. I routinely get fewer than five hours of sleep a night, and when I pull all-nighters--which I do occasionally now (and which I NEVER did in college or grad school, for that matter)--I'm so tired, I get nauseated. I often forget to eat and then wonder why I'm so hungry hours later. When I do have the opportunity to go out, I drink. My liver is NOT a happy camper right now.

Casualty #5 - the apartment

Busy-ness makes me even sloppier than usual (poor Jeff has to live in and around my insanity), and my desk is a pile of unpacked, yet unorganized stuff Jeff affectionately calls, Mt. Crappy.

I don't know when things are going to change, but they can't stay like this forever.

This alleged "summer" is crazy, but I suppose I'm just going to eat it up with a spoon and embrace it for all its chaos. Such is life. My life.

When six hours of sleep seems glorious...

I like to think that I'm the type of person who does what needs to be done. Like, if there are dirty dishes in the sink, I'll wash 'em. This week, I found out that the production schedule for my editing job listed an erroneous deadline. It said all the docs for the program wrap were due on May 14. Except that on May 6, the printer called and said, "Hey, if you want the docs in the proof, everything should be due on May 5." And I think I looked behind me at the calendar and said, "You mean yesterday?"And, in fact, she did mean yesterday.

Soooooo...I spent the last three nights up late late late, editing like mad and turning stuff in. Forty-two documents in all. I slept three hours the first night (got up and taught music theorat 7:50AM), four hours the second night, and a glorious six hours the third night. When six hours seems like sleeping in, you're either working too hard...or you have kids.

The good news is that I've done the lion's share of the work for this particular deadline. Put out most of the flames from this particular fire. I am by no means finished, but I might sleep eight hours tonight.

There's a lot of other stuff going on with my jobs and such. We're getting into the last weeks of the semester and that means final exams. My students are doing concerts all over the place (some are my responsibility, some are not). I myself am singing in some concerts as well (and choreographing the benefit concert at church). And did I mention? We're moving. Yep. Big Red and I signed a lease today for a place in Highland Park. We have a full two weeks to move, but I think you can imagine that my time to move is severely limited. Luckily, Red is spearheading the moving movement. He's a peach.

Right now, I think I might nap for about twenty minutes and maybe catch a movie with the man. I'll start fresh in the morning.

Eight hours of sleep. I can hardly believe it.

~Hero