Look Up

When you're riding the 6 train at 2 o'clock in the morning, it's probably a good idea to keep your head down. I'll call this head-down position "defensive stance." The years I spent riding buses and trains has bred in me a tendency to walk and sit in public with my head angled downward. And if I'm sitting in a public place, say at a coffee shop or on a bench somewhere, my "defensive stance" includes sticking my head in a book or reading something on my Blackberry. But this has got to stop.

It turns out that when you're walking and looking at your shoes, or when you drink that latte and constantly check for new texts, you're missing out on something: everything. 

At first I developed my "defensive stance" for safety. When I started riding the train a lot, I was a petite teenager, so keeping my head down discouraged unwanted conversations, especially late at night. When I moved to California, I rode the bus for almost five years and kept up my defensive stance. Once I started driving, I didn't really need the stance anymore. But old habits are hard to break, so I kept on ducking, avoiding the world's gaze, just hanging out inside my own head. And once my personal life started to go south, I seemed to need something to occupy me anytime I was alone. My Blackberry became very important because there was always something to read, always something to do. But now my defensive stance wasn't about my outward safety, it was about avoiding my own thoughts, avoiding the problems that were staring me in the face.

I finally did face those problems. It was difficult to do, and what followed was the most challenging ten-month period of my life. There have been many moments in that time when I've been tempted to stick my head back in a book and live at, say, Hogwarts, rather than in my real life. In other words, my head stayed down for a while. But I have this therapist who's amazing, and she suggested I do something very simple: she told me to look up.

She calls it "mindfulness," an awareness of the things happening around me right now. I was skeptical that it would make any difference in my life. I mean, how could changing the angle of my head or sitting bookless at Starbucks possibly help me heal? But the plain truth is that it has. How? Well, two ways that I can see. 

First, by getting my head out of books and off of my Blackberry, I am more likely to address how I truly feel about my life. I am less likely to avoid unpleasant emotions, something I had been doing for years. Second, by picking my head up and looking at a bird, a chair, a picture on a wall, I can get out of my head. I don't think I need to tell you that you can think yourself right down a spiral into hell. You can think yourself into a bad attitude. You can dwell and wallow and make yourself miserable. But if you're mindful, if you pay attention to the simple things around you, you can avoid the pitfalls of brain babble.

Looking up has done wonderful things for me. When I find myself slipping down into the pit, I stop and look around me. When I'm tempted to duck the world, I challenge myself to notice 10 things. Do you know something? The world is a pretty fascinating place. Birds are cute, and they sing and eat french fries off the ground. Women's dresses are really colorful this season. Rain clouds sometimes move quickly. Toddlers whine when they're overtired. Fresh bagels are fun to bite into (and are also superdelicious). Supermarkets are cool inside on a hot day. Trees are ridiculously beautiful, especially in springtime.

When I'm walking, when I'm sitting, when I'm waiting in line at the store, I am starting to learn to abandon my defensive stance. Instead, the voice in my head reminds me to look up. It turns out that life can be pretty cool and interesting, and even when it isn't, I don't have to spend every waking moment thinking at seventy-five miles an hour. I can just watch that adorable little bird eat a french fry that's twice his size. Who knew that could make such a big difference?

 

I feel like I just woke up.

~Hero